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| I saw her today... and I always thought to myself that i was fine.. and that i was over her. but after seeing her today, I guess thats not the case.
I guess maybe if i kept myself busy, going out hanging out with friends, going to the gym and so on that everything would be ok. But to see her again.. damnn that just hit me hard..
Honestly.. i am over her. I remember even last year that i would die to have a chance to
I was going to sit down and write out my feelings and emotions on how I feel about seeing my ex. But then I was shown a clear path.. self realization that:
1. I have a great group of friends to support around me
2. Take care of yourself and other things will follow suit.
the path is clear, here I go. on the Pursuit to Happiness.
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| its good to see my old posts and look back and try and measure how far i've come along.
An interesting weekend has flown by, and I wish I could go back and just keep looping it over and over. I honestly don't really know where to begin...
What If..
There are a lot of times in life where you go on in life and you miss those opportunities. Those opportunities that you let slip out of your grasp, or those instances where you wondered if something went a different way. I guess this past weekend I had that moment. The, what seemed like, short 2 days of What If...
so my friend Lucy came up from the good ol' USA. She was just visiting for Thanksgiving so we had a bunch of things planned for the weekend. (mainly clubbing and partying our asses off) quick background: I knew lucy from Highschool. She was there for like a year and somehow we hit it off at the end of that year. We kind of went out (it was like 3 dates and last about a couple months. I guess you would say she was the first girl i actually really liked, and had feelings for. Yeah Yeah it was grade 11 but it still stuck i guess.
So for the past 2 days.. it was great, hanging out chilling, having a good laugh and going out on a "double date" It was good times. Going out to the mall, having dinner, sharing our stories and honestly having a great time. It felt surreal, like I actually had a girlfriend again. I guess im a sucker for these things
As I dropped her off at the airport sunday morning, it just felt so weird. I guess I always want that connection with somebody. Just being able to share with someone and being able to be with someone. But to have that connection with her.. it was crazy. We never really talked to much and maybe only have seen each other 3 or 4 times in the past couple years. I don't want to say "we were meant for each other" because I sure as hell don't believe that, nor will I ever. But for this brief moment I guess it actually felt like it. It actually felt like we could have gone out or should have. Kind of really sucks.
I think this weekend has really put everything into perspective for myself. I really need to keep on track and make sure things go right for myself first. Then will I be able to really focus on these things in life. I know that a relationship is not what im looking for right now, because being in that safe haven is something that I can't do. I need to keep pushing myself to be better and not be satisfied by what I have right now.
I can honestly just hope that I can find someone like her.
I feel like I've been rambling around and talking about nothing really... ah well at least I got to get out what was on my head the whole time.. I hope I can just get over this feeling.. argh..asfesafesljifjaslekfj... in due time.. or maybe she was dropping me hints with " we could be dating and go on a double date" but who knows im oblivious to these things.. and I know it wouldn't work out as im not good with the long distance thing.
damnn..
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| well here we go Step 1 of a Million...
Its good to really know that your friends will always be there for you. Its the best feeling in the world, and I don't know what i would do without them. They've been like family to me, like my older and younger brothers. It truely is a brotherhood.. and I couldn't begin to fathom nor calculate what i would owe them.
As the days go by I begin to realize what needs to be done. What needs to be accomplished and what steps I need to take to achieve those accomplishments. Its not about having the newest gadget, or having the newest game, or having the sickest pair of kicks. Life isn't about that anymore, its not about what you wear or what you have. Its about what you do. And its sad that i've taken so long to realize this. Of course in all honesty I will never stop looking at Kicks nor will I stop purchasing them. BUT knowing which ones I should get and budgeting which ones can be bought is the key. Passion can never be taken away from you in life. Passion is what makes you unique in this world. Because when I'm asked "tell me something that is unique about you" I already know what to answer, and in all honesty its an amazing ice breaker.
"Life is about making mistakes through the choices that you, yourself have made. Because in the end you will gain from those mistakes and you can look back and call them experiences" -1031 (I shall not say who this is from but you know who you are)
All the things that I have gone through in life from being born till now is truely a blessing. I can sit back and say .. "Yeah, I hate this person and this person for doing this to me, or I hate that this happened.." I know now that this is what made me. All those things that have happened have made me the person I am today. And I truely thank God for that..
So here I am now.. with a plan.. a TRUE plan.. some life accomplishments that I NEED to achieve. instead of living life a day at a time, im thinking about what needs to be done in the future. What I need to do to have the future I want. We only live life once.. and I'm sure as hell going to live life to its fullest..Smarten up Chris.
Here we go.. the first step to the rest of my life...
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| Life has sucked pretty hard the past couple months.. things were looking up when i started my job at BMO.. working at FCP (First Canadian Place) and having the group of people to work with and the amazing friends i've made there.. but every since i got transferred..to Eaton Centre it seems like things have been going down hill. Work has started to really suck, and it seems like my life has taken a down hill turn. I had some new years resolutions and i STILL haven't acted upon most of them yet.. I need that change in my life.. and THIS is where it will begin.
with a dream, a weird ass dream I had the other night......
soo im sitting there wearing my LBJ Cavs jersey, hanging out with my friends and having a blast. As i look around it seems like we're celebrating my birthday with a cake infront of me and my friends all around. Suddnenly a door breaks open and BAM I get covered with a sack and get taken somewhere..
I'm now in this dark room with a flickering TV and a shadow in the distance.. that i can barely make out.. as I can focus on the TV i start to make out some figures and then i realize that im watching my life.. the past 23 years go by me.. flashing by but seeing it also slow enough to make out certain things in my life.. and as this goes by i hear a voice.. "are you satisified..."
I sit and watch and wonder.. satisfied?? about what??
and again the voice " Are you Satisfied??..."
Looking back at the telvision again.. I sit there and ask out loud "satisified about what?"
"Are you satisfied with this.. your journey, your ride, your life"
I sit there and say "Yes.. Yes I am.."
"Are you really?? because if you are.. thats sad"
and I sit there and wonder, what is going on and who is this guy?
Then as the figure walks closer, I realize who it is, it was me, a young me (given that i still look the same age but it was clearly a young me) He tells me. what has gone on with you? What are you doing with your life.. look at what you've become, this boring hibitual monotonistic boring ass person. What ever happen to living it up, whatever happen to doing new things or trying out different stuff. What happen to the life you dreamt of.. whatever happen to going to the gym and getting your ass back into shape.. YOU are who you were last year... and you haven't changed a bit. You're still that boring ass loser you were before. Wheres the change? Where is your drive? Whatever happen to those promises you gave to yourself so that you would be a different person, to not be that story book kid who lives life doing the same old things over and over again.. WAKE UP CHRIS....
and then i woke up.. and here i am still thinking about whats been going on.. what i've been doing lately. To realize what im doing to make it more worthwhile.. to be more interesting.. instead of " I collect basketball shoes" i can always say "i learned Mandarin in the past year" or "I learned how to snowboard". All I've been doing is sitting around at home on the weekends and hoping that something will happen or something different will go on.
I also sometimes wonder what im going to do with my life. Can I be the successful person I want to be? Can I do the things I want to accomplish in life.. When I die, how will I be remembered... and what are the steps I need to take in order to accomplish these goals?
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| wakakaka umm i can't really think of another title.. soo im using this..
Sunday:
didn't do much that day.. mmm woke up at like.. 11ish.. sat around at home... ryan messaged me on msn.. and said the Finals was starting soon... soooooo went to pick up Ryan and went to FF to eat... and watched the Soccer game... it was pretty good.. but so sad that we lost... mm afterwards went to Fairview to walk around and kill sometime... then after that went to the chinese mall to check out shoes and stuff like that... mm nothing much really.. gave sam a call to see wha he was doing.. then found a time to play basketball taht night... mmm so came home.. and then got my stuff ready and went over to Ryan's place to chill and kill some time.. played basketball that night.. and.. Kevin pissed off Ryan quite a bit.. lol.. wasn't too good.. but went to lamyuen aftewards to have a drink... and sam,me,and ryan talked about it... it was quite interesting...
Monday:
mm wkoe up.. and did nothing... lol sat around and got ready for work... went to work at 3:30... omg i worked till like.. 10.. i didn't even know iw as scheduled till then.. but.. i was... busy day.. it was all pure privates... soo after awhile it got really boring... haha.. but ahh well... have to make money some way... i guess... mmmm then went back home.. and got ready... Kevin wanted to go to Circa... soo we ended up doing that... Sam drove.. we had like.. 1 beer the whole time... I saw a bunch of people at the club.. but all in all it was so boring... we just walked around .. i saw people i knew and talked to them for a bit... went to Big Mouth kee.. and then came home and fell asleep...
Tuesday:
i didn't do anythign today la.. just satyed at home.. wakak i have no more money now.. trying to save it all up to pay you back.. and then thats that... after that im not gonna buy or do anything in the summer time.. omg.. or at least unil i see 4 digits again in my bank account.. *cry*... waakkaa
mmmmm nothing else more to say.. just hope you had a fun time in europe la.. ur sooo lucky to go.. everyone keeps asking me when you come back.. and all i can really do is countdown till the day you do come back.. *sigh* mmhmm okk well.... hope to talk to you soon...
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